My Unpopular Opinion About Holiday Gift-Giving
I bet you’re starting to see a lot of Christmas gift-giving guides and holiday sale advertisements popping up, aren’t you? Lots of chatter about Black Friday?
The other day, I was talking to my dear friend, Pam, about the expectations of gift-giving this holiday season.
She mentioned a friend who isn’t giving gifts this year (radical thought in our society!) and that’s all the prompt I needed to blow this topic wide open here on the blog!
Bur first, let me tell you who this post IS NOT for.
It’s not for the Pam’s of the world! Thoughtful gift-giving is Pam’s love language and I seriously doubt she has ever felt stressed out or resentful about the expectations around gift-giving during the holidays. She derives a sense of joy and love through finding the perfect gifts for the people she loves. You’ll never find a sweeter soul than Pam!
If you’re a Pam, I love you and I want you to keep hunting for those meaningful gifts! But what if you’re like me?
Gift giving is decidedly not your love language. The thought of braving the crowds at big box stores to find a gift that your loved one may or may not truly care about gives you anxiety. It makes you feel bad for not having a bigger gift budget and more enthusiasm, resulting in resentment for the entire establishment. Sound like you?
“The Holiday Season” as an establishment would have you believe you’re a Scrooge if you feel this way. It might even shame you into feeling broke, selfish and alienated. And why wouldn’t you…have you seen the pandemonium that is Black Friday!? Everyone else seems to be on the gift-giving bandwagon.
But don’t let the crowd fool you, you’re not alone!
70 percent of Americans are feeling stressed about money heading into the holidays and 45 percent of us are feeling pressured to spend more.
If this is you, put down the credit cards, step away from Amazon, and set the guilt aside for a moment.
In this blog, I’m going to:
- share a story or two from my gifting experience
- outline my philosophy on the topic
- give you a few tips to execute in your own life
- list some ideas for gift alternatives.
Because I am a firm believer that you can LOVE the holidays AND not be into gift-giving (in the mainstream sense of the phrase).
“So you don’t hate Christmas?”
I bleed red and white peppermint candy cane colors. I listen to Christmas music year-round. Seriously, I am Christmas’s biggest fan!
What I do hate is the mentality our society has wrapped around the holiday season and tied up with a big red bow.
I haven’t always been this way though. It wasn’t until the Christmas after my mom died that I started to question the status quo.
Why? Your guess is as good as mine because my mom was the epitome of a loving American mother who went to extraordinary lengths to make Christmas morning abundant with gifts.
From October onward, our coffee table would be blanketed in dogeared magazines and shopping to-do lists in her feathery cursive. I know for a fact she got stressed out during the holidays even though she too bled candy cane colors and listened to Christmas music year-round…where do you think I got it from!
But after she died, it’s like a switch flipped. All I wanted was to be in front of a Christmas tree with my dad, Christmas tunes softly drifting through my childhood home. I didn’t want to even look at a gift.
I made a deal with my dad: no material gifts!
Instead, we went skiing and skating and gave memory-making types of “gifts”.
That only lasted a couple of years. Our consumerist society found me dodging its standards and expectations and promptly pressured me back into its cluttered embrace. *eyeroll
At my lowest, I was living in Birmingham alone…and lonely. It was two weeks until Christmas and I was running around the shops like a madwoman trying to find the perfect gifts without going completely broke (on an engineer’s salary).
I remember sitting in traffic, mentally and physically depleted, shopping bags filling the backseat. A woman in a Lexus had just cut me off to turn into the mall at warp speed. I threw up my arms and sighed, “Why am I doing this!?”
What was gift-giving affording me?
- The opportunity to see my loved ones appreciate the gifts.
- Less judgment and questions from family/friends.
Those two bullets were the only ones I could come up with on that day in Birmingham. Nowhere on the list did I write anything about how good it made me feel to buy those gifts.
And I’m sorry but that’s just bologna! We can have our cake and eat it too when it comes to this topic!
We don’t have to spend our money, time, and mental health to demonstrate our love during the holidays! If traditional gift-giving makes you:
- anxious
- numb
- guilty
- broke
- resentful
- stressed
Consider this your permission slip to decide for yourself how you want to celebrate the holidays! Even if that means zero gifts!
You might be thinking, “Yeah well that’s a nice philosophy but how am I supposed to put it into practice and manage conflicts like my relative’s judgmental opinions?”
Here are my top 3 tips:
“Separate your decision from the relationship”
I learned this from Jessica over at JessicaRoseWilliams.com. She has a brilliant post about saying “NO” in a graceful way.
Let’s say you decide to forgo gift-giving this season. While your loved ones might not understand, it does not mean that you’re deciding to forgo your relationship with them! Not even a little bit.
Have conversations with your family and friends early in the season!
Once you’ve drawn up your boundaries for spending and gifts, it’s important that you communicate those with the people in your life.
Let them know WHY you’ve made these decisions. If you’re forgoing gifts because you want to make more meaningful memories, tell them that. If the monetary expectations of the season were becoming toxic to your mental health, tell them that. Be transparent and let them know what to expect.
Set a budget based on what you WANT to spend rather than what you CAN spend.
Did you know that Americans plan to spend an average of $1,679 on gifts this holiday season? Most of that is going on credit cards.
There’s a great deal of obligation associated with this time of year but I’m telling you to give that obligation the boot. Don’t spend what your budget allows (or more) because you feel you have to. Only spend what you want!
We need to fully love the people in our lives but that does not mean we have to do it with gifts!
Consider this blog post your permission slip to not buy a single gift but DO NOT use it as an excuse to not love your people in your own ways!
Here are some thoughts on how you can redirect the sentiment of gift-giving in ways that suit your love language:
Have a hobby? Create something you’re proud of.
This has always been my dad! His passion is building things that people wholeheartedly enjoy. The chimes that sing on my porch, his Christmas gift to me a few years ago. The wallet I’ve used for the past three years, he made it for me. The rocking horse I loved as a little girl, you guessed it – Christmas gift! Her name is Sally and I still have her for my future kiddos.
My point is, if you have a hobby or a craft that you’re proud of, use it! This year I’ll be making all of the gifts I’m giving…they might look a lot like candles, cookies, and wreaths but I can’t say yet.
Are you a “words of affirmation” person?
Hi, Hello, That’s me!
If you show your love via words, sit down and write a heartfelt letter. Your letter, poem, note, or story will get pressed into the pages of a journal or a book or tacked to a corkboard and kept forever.
I still have every Christmas card, summer camp letter, and birthday note my mom ever wrote to me.
Plan a surprise activity for the day of your holiday! Give the gift of a new tradition!
It doesn’t have to be grand! Take your family to the skating rink or for a snowy walk or to get hot chocolate!
If this is your jam, keep it simple but construct a heartfelt surprise. The cost is low and the reward is high! Present it as the last gift on Christmas morning.
Are you an “acts of service” love language person?
Last year, my hunny saw that I needed a better pair of boots so guess what he got me – the boots that have gotten me through winter, spring, and fall!
Nothing says, “I love ya, sweetheart!” like a pair of boots.
He gets this practicality from his dad who gives car wash gift cards during the holiday season and, let me tell you, there truly isn’t anything better than a free car wash and vacuum service when your vehicle is looking a little gross. *Thank you, Mike!!
Don’t underestimate the value of a practical gift that makes someone’s life easier.
My final note: Black Friday
This is an “Outdoor Lifestyle Blog” so I’m compelled to include this request:
SCREW BLACK FRIDAY! OPT OUTSIDE!
Every year people are going into DEBT in an effort to fill the empty space underneath their Christmas trees. And what for?
Black Friday isn’t helping! Be apart of the community detracting from frenzied consumerism. Be apart of my outdoor community! Go breath some fresh air with your loved ones rather than stale shopping mall air with manic shoppers. You are not missing out on anything of true value by opting out of Black Friday and opting outside instead!
You’re a gem if you’ve made it to the end of this long post. I appreciate you and I’d love to know your take on gift-giving. Leave your thoughts, tips, stories, and ponderings in the comments section.
Happy Trails,
I bet you’re starting to see a lot of Christmas gift-giving guides and holiday sale advertisements popping up, aren’t you? Lots of chatter about Black Friday?
The other day, I was talking to my dear friend, Pam, about the expectations of gift-giving this holiday season.
She mentioned a friend who isn’t giving gifts this year (radical thought in our society!) and that’s all the prompt I needed to blow this topic wide open here on the blog!
Bur first, let me tell you who this post IS NOT for.
It’s not for the Pam’s of the world! Thoughtful gift-giving is Pam’s love language and I seriously doubt she has ever felt stressed out or resentful about the expectations around gift-giving during the holidays. She derives a sense of joy and love through finding the perfect gifts for the people she loves. You’ll never find a sweeter soul than Pam!
If you’re a Pam, I love you and I want you to keep hunting for those meaningful gifts! But what if you’re like me?
Gift giving is decidedly not your love language. The thought of braving the crowds at big box stores to find a gift that your loved one may or may not truly care about gives you anxiety. It makes you feel bad for not having a bigger gift budget and more enthusiasm, resulting in resentment for the entire establishment. Sound like you?
“The Holiday Season” as an establishment would have you believe you’re a Scrooge if you feel this way. It might even shame you into feeling broke, selfish and alienated. And why wouldn’t you…have you seen the pandemonium that is Black Friday!? Everyone else seems to be on the gift-giving bandwagon.
But don’t let the crowd fool you, you’re not alone!
70 percent of Americans are feeling stressed about money heading into the holidays and 45 percent of us are feeling pressured to spend more.
If this is you, put down the credit cards, step away from Amazon, and set the guilt aside for a moment.
In this blog, I’m going to:
- share a story or two from my gifting experience
- outline my philosophy on the topic
- give you a few tips to execute in your own life
- list some ideas for gift alternatives.
Because I am a firm believer that you can LOVE the holidays AND not be into gift-giving (in the mainstream sense of the phrase).
“So you don’t hate Christmas?”
I bleed red and white peppermint candy cane colors. I listen to Christmas music year-round. Seriously, I am Christmas’s biggest fan!
What I do hate is the mentality our society has wrapped around the holiday season and tied up with a big red bow.
I haven’t always been this way though. It wasn’t until the Christmas after my mom died that I started to question the status quo.
Why? Your guess is as good as mine because my mom was the epitome of a loving American mother who went to extraordinary lengths to make Christmas morning abundant with gifts.
From October onward, our coffee table would be blanketed in dogeared magazines and shopping to-do lists in her feathery cursive. I know for a fact she got stressed out during the holidays even though she too bled candy cane colors and listened to Christmas music year-round…where do you think I got it from!
But after she died, it’s like a switch flipped. All I wanted was to be in front of a Christmas tree with my dad, Christmas tunes softly drifting through my childhood home. I didn’t want to even look at a gift.
I made a deal with my dad: no material gifts!
Instead, we went skiing and skating and gave memory-making types of “gifts”.
That only lasted a couple of years. Our consumerist society found me dodging its standards and expectations and promptly pressured me back into its cluttered embrace. *eyeroll
At my lowest, I was living in Birmingham alone…and lonely. It was two weeks until Christmas and I was running around the shops like a madwoman trying to find the perfect gifts without going completely broke (on an engineer’s salary).
I remember sitting in traffic, mentally and physically depleted, shopping bags filling the backseat. A woman in a Lexus had just cut me off to turn into the mall at warp speed. I threw up my arms and sighed, “Why am I doing this!?”
What was gift-giving affording me?
- The opportunity to see my loved ones appreciate the gifts.
- Less judgment and questions from family/friends.
Those two bullets were the only ones I could come up with on that day in Birmingham. Nowhere on the list did I write anything about how good it made me feel to buy those gifts.
And I’m sorry but that’s just bologna! We can have our cake and eat it too when it comes to this topic!
We don’t have to spend our money, time, and mental health to demonstrate our love during the holidays! If traditional gift-giving makes you:
- anxious
- numb
- guilty
- broke
- resentful
- stressed
Consider this your permission slip to decide for yourself how you want to celebrate the holidays! Even if that means zero gifts!
You might be thinking, “Yeah well that’s a nice philosophy but how am I supposed to put it into practice and manage conflicts like my relative’s judgmental opinions?”
Here are my top 3 tips:
“Separate your decision from the relationship”
I learned this from Jessica over at JessicaRoseWilliams.com. She has a brilliant post about saying “NO” in a graceful way.
Let’s say you decide to forgo gift-giving this season. While your loved ones might not understand, it does not mean that you’re deciding to forgo your relationship with them! Not even a little bit.
Have conversations with your family and friends early in the season!
Once you’ve drawn up your boundaries for spending and gifts, it’s important that you communicate those with the people in your life.
Let them know WHY you’ve made these decisions. If you’re forgoing gifts because you want to make more meaningful memories, tell them that. If the monetary expectations of the season were becoming toxic to your mental health, tell them that. Be transparent and let them know what to expect.
Set a budget based on what you WANT to spend rather than what you CAN spend.
Did you know that Americans plan to spend an average of $1,679 on gifts this holiday season? Most of that is going on credit cards.
There’s a great deal of obligation associated with this time of year but I’m telling you to give that obligation the boot. Don’t spend what your budget allows (or more) because you feel you have to. Only spend what you want!
We need to fully love the people in our lives but that does not mean we have to do it with gifts!
Consider this blog post your permission slip to not buy a single gift but DO NOT use it as an excuse to not love your people in your own ways!
Here are some thoughts on how you can redirect the sentiment of gift-giving in ways that suit your love language:
Have a hobby? Create something you’re proud of.
This has always been my dad! His passion is building things that people wholeheartedly enjoy. The chimes that sing on my porch, his Christmas gift to me a few years ago. The wallet I’ve used for the past three years, he made it for me. The rocking horse I loved as a little girl, you guessed it – Christmas gift! Her name is Sally and I still have her for my future kiddos.
My point is, if you have a hobby or a craft that you’re proud of, use it! This year I’ll be making all of the gifts I’m giving…they might look a lot like candles, cookies, and wreaths but I can’t say yet.
Are you a “words of affirmation” person?
Hi, Hello, That’s me!
If you show your love via words, sit down and write a heartfelt letter. Your letter, poem, note, or story will get pressed into the pages of a journal or a book or tacked to a corkboard and kept forever.
I still have every Christmas card, summer camp letter, and birthday note my mom ever wrote to me.
Plan a surprise activity for the day of your holiday! Give the gift of a new tradition!
It doesn’t have to be grand! Take your family to the skating rink or for a snowy walk or to get hot chocolate!
If this is your jam, keep it simple but construct a heartfelt surprise. The cost is low and the reward is high! Present it as the last gift on Christmas morning.
Are you an “acts of service” love language person?
Last year, my hunny saw that I needed a better pair of boots so guess what he got me – the boots that have gotten me through winter, spring, and fall!
Nothing says, “I love ya, sweetheart!” like a pair of boots.
He gets this practicality from his dad who gives car wash gift cards during the holiday season and, let me tell you, there truly isn’t anything better than a free car wash and vacuum service when your vehicle is looking a little gross. *Thank you, Mike!!
Don’t underestimate the value of a practical gift that makes someone’s life easier.
My final note: Black Friday
This is an “Outdoor Lifestyle Blog” so I’m compelled to include this request:
SCREW BLACK FRIDAY! OPT OUTSIDE!
Every year people are going into DEBT in an effort to fill the empty space underneath their Christmas trees. And what for?
Black Friday isn’t helping! Be apart of the community detracting from frenzied consumerism. Be apart of my outdoor community! Go breath some fresh air with your loved ones rather than stale shopping mall air with manic shoppers. You are not missing out on anything of true value by opting out of Black Friday and opting outside instead!
You’re a gem if you’ve made it to the end of this long post. I appreciate you and I’d love to know your take on gift-giving. Leave your thoughts, tips, stories, and ponderings in the comments section.
Happy Trails,
Want more? I've got you covered ↓
My bride and I do crafts and we try to make them specific to the people we give them to so they’re useful or so they mean something in particular to that person…… on the subject of Black Friday we don’t go to stores what I particularly use Black Friday for is places like Lowe’s and Home Depot put tools and supplies on sale on Black Friday that I require for my job and it’s a good opportunity to grab them while they’ve got the price marked down I’ve never actually been shopping on Black Friday I don’t like people that much hahaha… Ashley this was an excellent article I think more people need to look at the whole gift-giving process it’s gotten really far out of control and it puts a lot of people in. That takes the rest of the year to pay off we really need a little more common sense in this country about a lot of things. Just gift-giving but that’s another story and another article from you thanks again
Oh Ashley, I wrote the exact same message for my Facebook page yesterday that will go live on Black Friday morning. Complete with the best gift I ever recieved was letter from my husband line. Too funny! Anywho, really great post and I’ll be sharing now and also schedule for later. Now get back to wreath making!
Enjoyed this take on gift giving for holidays! Im one of those people that get great joy out of finding that perfect unexpected gift for everyone. I also love to make homemade gifts from the heart crafted, sewn or baked! I do think gifts of experiences are awesome also. We do all need to find a balance so that the holidays can be something we look forward to not giving anxiety.
Thank you for this!!! Someone who understands how I feel. There’s quite a huge difference between gift-giving because you want to/love to & going nutso/broke to meet society’s standards. Having worked at a retail store for a couple years, I’m mindblown by people’s “must-have” attitudes and lack of joy around the holidays. How do people not see the materialism? How is Black Friday a “holiday”? Ya got me started girl! Ha!
Beautiful! I have “cut down” on Christmas for several years now. I have been giving experiences, homemade gifts and letters of gratitude to the ones I love and care for. Thank you for the well written insight and ideas. I hope you have a happy holiday season!!
I love this post Ashley!! Like so many I’ve always had a tendency to get kind of depressed around the holidays. It’s always stressful especially if you are entertaining or hosting one family or the other. I find myself just wanting to escape and be alone in some quiet destination. Much of the gift giving is kind of ridiculous and I hate the madness of holiday shopping, although I have found some pretty good deals on outdoor gear for myself 🙂 I hope a lot of people read this post. It helps to put things in perspective.
Ashley, not only are you a great writer, you live what you write… You and you dad gave my family the “best possible” early Christmas gift last August. You had no way of knowing that my wife and I were celebrating our 50tH Anniversary with our two sons, daughter in laws and 10 grandkids at VCO when you let us spend time on your slide and swing. Precious, forever memories were made and we left with nothing material… but did leave with precious memories and two new “up north” friends. We were blessed by you that day! A special gift. Please say hello to your dad from the Millers! See you next summer! God bless.
Ned Miller
[…] you want to read an article that dives deeper into gift-giving expectations, check out her post here. I am in alignment with most of it I’d say, and it may also help you through the season. Plus […]